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007

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Post Number: 191
Registered: 05-2005

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Votes: 2


Saturday, October 15, 2005 - 12:43 pm:

Should children witness childbirth? ... What do you think?

With a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, & quote; "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

david_louisson

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Post Number: 140
Registered: 02-2004

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Votes: 0


Sunday, October 16, 2005 - 09:44 am:

This is one of the best jokes that I've heard, that can be repeated safely in open forum:

A man is on trial for murder. The prosecution lawyer has just presented a very strong and convincing case, and the judge asks the defence lawyer to begin his client's defence.

The defendant's lawyer says that he has no witnesses to call, but that the man who was allegedly murdered will walk in, alive and well, through the back door of the courtroom within the next 60 seconds. Understandably, there is an immediate hush in the courtroom. After considerably longer than 60 seconds, nothing has happened, and the judge calls a halt.

The lawyers sum up. The defence lawyer tells the jury that "during the 60 seconds, I could not help but notice that all twelve of you, without exception, were gazing intently and unceasingly at the back door of the courtroom. I can therefore only conclude that you must have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder actually occurred, and given this reasonable doubt you have no choice other than to return a verdict of NOT GUILTY".

So the jury retires, and then returns with its verdict, which is GUILTY. The defence lawyer asks the jury foreman, off the record, how they could have possibly reached such a decision.

The foreman replies, "Well, we might have been staring intently at the door, but your client never gave it a glance".

007

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Post Number: 195
Registered: 05-2005

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Votes: 1


Thursday, December 15, 2005 - 02:29 pm:

Thought you might get a chuckle out of these, the madness of the Christmas season has gotten to me.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

histrionix

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Post Number: 84
Registered: 08-2005

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Votes: 0


Wednesday, December 21, 2005 - 07:58 pm:

Then of course there's the carefree, irresponsible young man whose father has dysentery who may be characterised as:

A slap happy chappy with a crap happy pappy!

Why is it that, with the advancing years, the near term memory - even for important matters - becomes distinctly unreliable while the most irrelevant dross remains indelibly etched?!?

H

There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.

ingot54

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Post Number: 1025
Registered: 05-2004

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Votes: 2


Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 11:04 pm:

Keep Smiling

Trading style :Short Term and CFD's predominantly

007

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Post Number: 199
Registered: 05-2005

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Votes: 0


Monday, January 30, 2006 - 03:30 pm:

Subject: Jamaican Fireman
________________________________

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"

007

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Post Number: 200
Registered: 05-2005

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Votes: 0


Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 11:56 pm:

Subject: Chinese Logic

---------------------------------------

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vely lare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!..... Wait two weeks.... Faw off by itself! ......You save money."

ingot54

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Post Number: 1084
Registered: 05-2004

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Votes: 0


Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 04:10 am:

Histrionix, with respect ...

Then of course there was the quick-witted Japanese with the punch-drunk father ...

A snappy Jappy with a slap-happy Pappy.

Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

007

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Post Number: 206
Registered: 05-2005

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Votes: 0


Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 06:09 pm:

Subject: Sweet Old Lady

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

jimdene

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Post Number: 71
Registered: 07-2005

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 10:19 pm:

An oldie, but a goodie.
A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids, (I know how to spell it because I looked it up in the dictionary). The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****

ingot54

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Post Number: 1180
Registered: 05-2004

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 09:39 pm:

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.

One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.

Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

- Woody Allen

Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

may

Member

Post Number: 25
Registered: 04-2005

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Votes: 0


Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 07:02 am:

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update : After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

ingot54

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Post Number: 1294
Registered: 05-2004

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Votes: 0


Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 11:14 am: