Best Lawyer Story of the year

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buy_stop

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Post Number: 282
Registered: 05-2004

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Monday, March 27, 2006 - 12:49 pm:

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge
stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost
in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a
$24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest

WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

terry_dactil

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Post Number: 2
Registered: 03-2005

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006 - 08:35 pm:

Any time I see "This is a true story......." is sets off a BS alarm for me.

Check http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
This is an old urban legend.

colin_twiggs

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Post Number: 2511
Registered: 09-2002

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 10:22 am:

Why let the facts get in the way of a good story.....?

bowled_over

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Post Number: 9
Registered: 08-2005

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 04:24 pm:

Now here is a true lawyer story.
Seems this guy was walking down collins street in melbourne when he looked in the window of a very expensive antique store and saw a most interesting object. It was a gold chalice with a rat perched on top. The guy enters the shop and asks how much. Ah ha! $500 or $400 if I tell you the story. Too busy for the story he lays out $500 and walks out with the chalice.
As he starts walking a rat starts to follow. And then another. And another. Rats pop out of drain pipes and out of gutters. Soon he is leading a phalanx of running dirty rats. Concerned he breaks into a run down Collins St. Still more rats. He catches a tram at Russell St. but still they follow. More rats. Big rats, dirty rats. He alights as the tram turns near Telstra Dome and all the dirty rats follow him with the chalice. Finally he gets to Docklands and sensing that they are following the chalice,throws it into the water. All the rats of Melbourne follow and drown.
A month goes by and the guy is walking past the the same shop. In he goes and the owner recognizes him. Ah Ha! you're back for the story?
"Stuff the story cobber have you got one with a lawyer on top?"

salt is the answer to all.tears,sweat and the sea.

tony_m

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Post Number: 597
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 06:03 pm:

My son and his wife, both lawyers have a newspaper cartoon stuck on their fridge door. It shows a huge crocodile in the northern territory. The crocodile is getting a transfusion, is covered in bandages and band aids, has a couple of legs in splints and a broken tail covered in bitemarks.

A tourist is talking to the tourist guide asking what happened to the crocodile and the tourist guide replies 'unfortunately the crocodile got too close to the edge of the river yesterday and fell into the water while a lawyer was having a swim.'

Tony_M

buy_stop

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Post Number: 283
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 - 10:46 pm:

Love that one Tony!!

Got a good laugh out of it!

.

WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

ingot54

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Post Number: 1257
Registered: 05-2004

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Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:38 am:

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b@$t@rd!

Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

ingot54

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Post Number: 1258
Registered: 05-2004

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Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:43 am:

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b*st*rds asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

deanrosario

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Friday, March 31, 2006 - 10:37 pm:

I can't verify the authenticity of these comments - purportedly made by defence and prosecution lawyers - but who cares!

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself.

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9.
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognise that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?

17.
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18.
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. "Your Honour, I'd like to strike the next question."

20.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

22. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

23. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

24.
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

25.
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

26.
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

27.
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

28.
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

29.
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

30.
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

31.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"Never commit yourself to anything you can't walk away from in 30 seconds." Neil McCauley (played by Robert de Niro) in 'Heat'.

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered." Georgie Best (1946-2005)

tony_m

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Monday, April 03, 2006 - 10:35 am:

Dean,
I sent your post off to my son, a lawyer, (as you are I recall?) who reckons you have it wrong. He thinks lawyers are actually much dumber than is reflected in the post.
Tony_M

deanrosario

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Post Number: 1099
Registered: 11-2002

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Monday, April 03, 2006 - 01:00 pm:

Tony_M, I reckon I definitely possess the requisite lack of common sense to be able to ask such probing questions of a witness.

However, I decided to pursue other fields of endeavour subsequent to completing my undergrad. in the law, but am pleased to report that a "lack of common sense" seems to be mandatory to succeed in most of careers (other than trading, of course!) I've chosen to date!

Dean

reverb

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Monday, April 03, 2006 - 02:39 pm:

As I recall some twenty years ago a prominent lawyer published his memoirs. In the book he recounted the event where during a rape trial the claimant was asked if the alledged rapist had spoken to her. She replied that he had.The prosecutor asked her to tell the court what he had said to her.
She replied that she was too embarrased to repeat them, so it was decided she would write down what was said, and the note would be passed to the jury to read. ( true story !)
As luck would have it,a juror, a young man had fallen asleep, and was woken by the woman next to him nudging him. She gave him the note, he read it and gave her a large grin, whereby the judge asked him to hand the note on to the next juror , whereupon the young man replied. " Oh no your honour, it's private!"

Reverb.

hershy

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006 - 09:29 am: