| Author |
Message |
     holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3470
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:13 pm: |  
|
There was a church down in Texas that had a
very big-busted organist. Her breasts were
so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ. Unfortunately, she
distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this
or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green persimmons,
and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of
the green persimmons though because they are so
sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while. She
agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up
on the pulpit and said. "Dew to thircumsthanthis
bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday".
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3471
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:14 pm: |
|
...some American idea that might just work...
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.
Everyone would pay their share. Young people would
pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease
as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would
you like to come home to your wife and have her ask,
"Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or
be a teenager and come home to your dad with your
tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS,
they would be paying to work there just so they could
review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would
change... "Get a load of this tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have
a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to
the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3472
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:23 pm: |
|
... some silly joke that actually makes you say "mmm..."
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not
melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever
after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
v
v
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3473
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:29 pm: |
|
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother-Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you Press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3474
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:40 pm: |
|
... remember, never ever let someone else wrap your gift for you, esp when it is meant to impress your new girl friend. Never! Do it yourself AT ALL TIMES! Learn from Pete, for Pete's sake!
A young man called Pete wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and John got the knickers.
Good old John sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
John.
P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3475
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:56 pm: |
|
... just great, now she'll be really mad - the gift is from Pete, but the letter,... in John's name! Talking about screwing things up! 
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
hilarius
Member
Username: hilarius
Post Number: 3238
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 03:56 pm: |
|
I promised the Mother Superior I would not look at this kind of message on the internet
Hilarius
I come in peace to share my thoughts and to shine my candle light on possible long term opportunities
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3476
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 04:11 pm: |
|
It's ok, I promise I won't tell her...
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
hilarius
Member
Username: hilarius
Post Number: 3239
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Friday, November 23, 2007 - 04:23 pm: |
|
Thanks HC
Hilarius (off to peel some an extra potato pile to keep her happy)
I come in peace to share my thoughts and to shine my candle light on possible long term opportunities
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3552
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 04:34 pm: |
|
... just found a new definition of globalisation
Subject: What is Globalization?
Question: What is the truest definition of
Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegal's.....
...that, my friends, is Globalization
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3553
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 04:37 pm: |
|
... also found, a whole lots of new words, hmmm...
SALAD DODGER.
Grossly overweight
SWAMP-DONKEY
Deeply unattractive
TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING.
Group session on why a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything,
and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS.
Success by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY.
An entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed at the end.
PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Heads popping up over the walls in a cube farm to see what's going on
in the face of a disturbance.
SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
AEROPLANE BLONDE.
Bleached hair and a 'black box'.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
Whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work.
ADMINISPHERE.
Organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often
affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and
processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.
404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but administered down under.
OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, (Usually much ado about nothing)
MONKEY BATH.
"Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"- climbing into a hot bath.
MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when
you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you
wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10 Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3:00am.
BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the
night.
TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.
HC
... hopelessly addicted to charts!
|
holycow
Member
Username: holycow
Post Number: 3554
Registered: 08-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0
|
| | Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 04:46 pm: |
|
... | |
