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Trade Trends with Bollonger Bands and Twiggs Money Flow

Always be good to your mother.

Chart Forum » The Back Page » Always be good to your mother.

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spider
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Friday, September 05, 2003 - 02:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Just thought I'd throw that in.

spider.


.


"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

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chance
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Don't step off a moving bus.










Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

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spider
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Always wear clean underwear, you may get hit by a bus.








.


Never give in - never,
never, never, never,
in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in
except to convictions
of honor and good sense.
Never yield to force;
never yield to the apparently
overwelming might of the enemy.

- Winston Churchill: speech made October 1941
to the boys at Churchill's old public school, Harrow

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colin_twiggs
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# Don't squat with your spurs on.

# Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

# Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

~ Will Rogers, American cowboy humorist (1879 - 1935)

(Message edited by colin_twiggs on September 29, 2003)


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chance
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Post Number: 153
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Don't eat the yellow snow.



A ship is safe in harbour, but that's not what ships are for.
John A Shedd

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chance
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Get home safely, use the beer scooter.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified
Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top
of your head.

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell
happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal f Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the
passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is
the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.



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snifter
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Smart cowboys always drink upstream from the herd.


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i_claudius
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Sounds like a piece of cowboy fundamental truth to me

Claudius


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susieq
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Chance

I have given you a five star rating for your post

Have just logged onto my email after 3 days away to download 200 forum posts!!!

Chance is easily the winner of all read so far
cheers


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chance
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How to fix a car.

Hope you like this one too susieq, they're not my own work, so they're clean and inoffensive!


There are four engineers traveling in a car -- a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer, who up to then had said nothing, and asked "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm . . . perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"



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macca888
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Hail Claudius

I suppose, technically speaking, you are correct. (as always)

regards from one from the wrong side of Hadrian's Wall.



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spider
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Never mix clean sox with dirty sox.








.


"When the bus comes along you better have your ticket ready and destination in mind, because you have to milk them for what they're worth to make up for the one's that don't."

.....scalper, IC forum


1. A trend is a trend is a trend (if in doubt - ask a 5 year old if a stock is trending up or down - it should be that clear - if not - pass on the trade).
.....bundy IC forum

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chance
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How not to fix a car.

From an old copy of the Newsletter of the Vintage Sports Car Club of Victoria.

Stephen H is in the habit of wearing shorts.
One day out with his wife Gina doing the shopping, he notices that the Morris has started misfiring.
Stephen tells Gina to carry on with the shopping while he fixes the car in the shopping centre carpark.

Gina returns a little later to see a small group of people around the car.
On closer inspection she notices a pair of legs protruding from under the chassis. It is evident to her that wearing shorts and lying on his back stretching to reach the troublesome component Stephens private parts have become glaringly public.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, Gina dutifully steps forward, quickly puts her hand up his shorts and tucks everything tenderly back into place.

On regaining her feet Gina looks across the Morris's bonnet to find herself staring at her husband, who is standing idly by.
The mechanic, we understand, had to have three stitches in his forehead !




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spider
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While visiting a mate, we went for a walk.
Fortunately spider took his camera..............................




"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore


"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
  - Mae West

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williamat
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Good onr Spids., I think the next sentence is "You should see our smile". Bill


The difference between intelligence and education is this- intelligence will make you a good living. Charles C Kettering.

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spider
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"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore


"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
  - Mae West

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spider
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WHEN THE BAR IS CLOSED, IT'S CLOSED!




"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore


"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
  - Mae West

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spider
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"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore


"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
  - Mae West

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spider
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NEVER LET BLOKES TAKE MESSAGES!



"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore


"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
  - Mae West

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spider
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If you have been as frustrated with our forum as I have been lately, I thought you may enjoy these...............

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.


Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.


The Second mouse gets the cheese


When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.


You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.


Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day!














"The only time I really ever lost money was when I broke my own rules." - Jesse Livermore

"Which ever game you play, you do need to press the out button pretty quick if it has not done its deed." Scalper.




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julles
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Loved it Spid's, It's being printed and stuck on the Fridge for all to see. Julles




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chance
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Always check your pilots out....

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.


As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."


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chance
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HOW TO SING THE BLUES:

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very Fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical
depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are
still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues.
Sonny Liston could have.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

These are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")


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chance
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How to eat your way to health !

Q1: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A1: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q2: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A2: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q3: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A3: Not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of vegetables. Bottoms up!


Q4: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A4: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q5: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A5: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good


Q6: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A6: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?


Q7: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A7: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q8: Is chocolate bad for me?

A8: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!


Q9: Is swimming good for your figure?

A9: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q10: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A10: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.


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chance
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How to cook a chicken....
Ingredients
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room,
it's done.


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spider
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Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 06:58 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Here are some automatic email responses to try next time you go on leave.


Try some of these when you're next out of the office.

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'.'


"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.




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chance
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Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 08:13 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



How to get a free ride.....

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see."

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."


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brian916
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Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 08:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hey Spider
Good movie wasnt it
A book you would like,
The Pyrates;
George MacDonald Fraser;
Pan
Cheers,Brian


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brian916
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Sunday, September 26, 2004 - 08:18 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hey Spider
Good movie wasnt it
A book you would like,
The Pyrates;
George MacDonald Fraser;
Pan
Cheers,Brian


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spider
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Sunday, October 10, 2004 - 03:53 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A PICTURE YOU WOULD NOT LIKE TO SEE ON THE MEN'S ROOM WALL.




"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.




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spider
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Sunday, October 31, 2004 - 02:09 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Fixing the CRACKS in your trading system.




"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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starboard_tack
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Post Number: 177
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Sunday, October 31, 2004 - 03:20 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Weapons of Math Instruction (WMI)

At Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,'

Ashcroft said. 'They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.'


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spider
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Friday, November 05, 2004 - 10:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: observation on life ...
> >
> >
> >
> > A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected
>one
> >litre of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, one litre of orange juice, one
> >romainelettuce, a one kg jar of Nescafe, and a half a kg of bacon.
> >
> > As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
>a
> >drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
> >cashier. While the cashier was scanning her purchases, the drunk calmly
> >stated, "You must be single."
> >
> > The woman was a bit startled by this statement, but she was even
> >more intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
> >She looked at her six items at the check out and saw nothing particularly
>
> >unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
> >marital status.
> >
> >
> > Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know,
> >you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
> > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."






.


"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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spider
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Friday, November 05, 2004 - 10:16 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)






"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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macca888
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Saturday, November 06, 2004 - 10:22 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



From a Mathematical Point of View

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a*se kissing will take you.

A-*-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work And Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there,
it's
The Bullsh*it and A*se Kissing that will put you over the top.


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spider
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Sunday, November 07, 2004 - 01:53 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Honesty in advertising



}


"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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spider
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 12:57 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were still spontaneous and clever.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. You've be en having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Can boys join the CampFire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong ! with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.


.


"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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spider
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 01:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


"Take all you can, and don't give anything back!"
Captain Jack Sparrow.


"Economists have predicted 12 out of the last 7 bear markets."



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starboard_tack
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Registered: 04-2003

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Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 02:17 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hi Spids,

Great to see you posting jokes again.

The last one reminds me of a similar one I heard recently:

In a final Philosophy exam the students were asked to "Define Courage".

One student reportedly submitted the shortest acceptable exam answer ever - only two words. He wrote:

"This is!"

Apparently they could not find any way to deduct any marks - he got a High Distinction!


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oldwombat
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Friday, November 12, 2004 - 10:08 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Here you are my dears, a little story for you............

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man called Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there was still one common God to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine.
*
*
*
Imagination is truly a wonderful thing!!!!!!
OW


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ingot54
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Post Number: 210
Registered: 05-2004

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Saturday, November 13, 2004 - 09:59 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Judging by the reduced number of posts last night, many forum members were watching WIN TV's movie starring Steven Segal, "Exit Wound." Sounds like a trade I made a few months ago!

From the Reader's Digest :

Lady goes into chemist shop - asks for some Arsenic. The pharmacist responds that he is unable to supply Arsenic without a valid reason. Lady says that her husband has been cheating on her, and it is for him.

"Madam", exclaims the pharmacist, "I certainly could not supply Arsenic for such a purpose"

Lady reaches into her bag, produces a piece of paper and hands it to the Pharmacist. It is a photo of her husband in a very compromising situation with the pharmacist's wife.

"Ah, Madam", says the pharmacist, obviously delighted, "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!"


"Wealth is when small efforts produce big results. Poverty is when big efforts produce small results."

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ingot54
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Sunday, November 14, 2004 - 12:45 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



If you want to be really good to your mother, be good to her grand-children.

Start here : http://www.oneminutemillionaire.com/articles/7secrets.asp

and here :
http://www.oneminutemillionaire.com/articles/moneytree.asp

.


"Wealth is when small efforts produce big results. Poverty is when big efforts produce small results."

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p51
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Post Number: 7
Registered: 02-2003

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Thursday, November 25, 2004 - 03:54 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



This is brilliant, try it very soon, before someone
forces Google to fix its site

1) Go to www.Google.com.
2) Type in " Weapons of mass destruction" (DONT hit return).

3) Hit the " I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the
"Google search".

4) Read the "error message" carefully and
thoroughly.

Some one at Google has a sense of humor, and will
probably be fired soon!!!!!!!


Cheers Colin


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ann
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Thursday, November 25, 2004 - 04:09 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Colin, thanks that was just hilarius.
Glad to see you are posting at last. Maybe we might see you at the get together at Christmas.

Cheers Ann







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andy_ic
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Thursday, December 02, 2010 - 04:45 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Weapons of mass destruction Error:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/bliraqwmd.htm
http://mist.xvand.com/humor/weapons.html

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Response to Speeding Tickethershy15 31-Jan-10  09:54 pm
You know how it is going to end but you want to watch thishershy13-Jan-10  06:54 pm

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