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Joke of the Day 2011

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colin_twiggs
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Username: colin_twiggs

Post Number: 1222
Registered: 06-2009

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Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 03:49 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



wiremu

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home
to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thet!" said Wiremu,

"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets!"


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gdd3
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Post Number: 1474
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 04:01 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Oh common, Colin surely you can start off a new thread with a better joke than that one!

Seriously, thanks for starting up "this year's" Joke Thread; I should have done the same when I 'resurrected' the "Joke of the Day 2010" thread a few day's ago.

Dolphin

P.S. How did I ever manage to even give you 1 star?

(Message edited by gdd3 on August 03, 2011)







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colin_twiggs
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Post Number: 1223
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 04:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



What really happened At The Guinness Brewery

video/x-ms-wmvQueen Visits Guinness Brewery
what really happened.wmv (2198.2 k)


Dolphin,

These are the only ones from our golf newsletter clean enough to post on the forum.

Regards,
Colin


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colin_twiggs
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Post Number: 1224
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 04:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



I guess this one will pass too.

Early Morning Scratch

Early Morning Scratch


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colin_twiggs
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Post Number: 1225
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 04:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Found two more:

Old Age

Cat


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colin_twiggs
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Post Number: 1226
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Thursday, August 04, 2011 - 10:30 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Apologies in advance..........

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into an expensive restaurant....

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', barring their entrance.....

"You can't come in here without a Thai."


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colin_twiggs
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Post Number: 1227
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Thursday, August 04, 2011 - 01:57 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



With the economy slowing, everyone has time to pass on jokes. These are from Rodney Dangerfield:


My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.


Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

(Message edited by colin_twiggs on August 04, 2011)


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gdd3
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Thursday, August 04, 2011 - 09:18 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: The Irishman & the Texan



A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' bastards. I’ll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves.

30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don’t mind me askin" where did you go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...first I had to go to Murphy’s pub down the street to see if I could do it.". !!}


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gdd3
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Saturday, August 06, 2011 - 02:56 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



An old one worth resurrecting....courtesy from John Wagner, creator of Maxine?



Dolphin


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billt
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Post Number: 986
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Tuesday, August 09, 2011 - 09:51 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



VERY STRONG WARNING

Warning: The article below contains inappropriate language, which are allegedly 'direct quotes' (?) from Fed Chairman Bernanke, so says 'theonion' .

Warning: Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

Warning: Do not open this if you are at all sensitive to foul, bar room language....




...laugh, then cry....




Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is


http://www.theonion.com/articles/drunken-ben-bernanke-tells-everyone-at-neighbor hoo,21059/


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gdd3
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Saturday, August 13, 2011 - 03:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Who said "a picture paints a thousands words?"

Only one word required here..."Touche!"...but I'm sure others can offer another apt single word description.





Dolphin
}}}


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gdd3
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Friday, August 19, 2011 - 06:54 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Aboriginal Tracker Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow in WA

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the
middle of the road, an Aborigine..
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"


The aborigine replied,
"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.
The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied......... I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!".


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gdd3
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Friday, August 19, 2011 - 07:01 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A late Letter to Our Motherland....










Dear England,

Now who's full of convicts?



Yours sincerely,

Australia.

}}


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ingot54
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 07:03 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



This really is the most peculiar and funniest video you will ever see ... unless you are a thoughtful person that is ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6b70TUbdfs


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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ingot54
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 07:07 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



By the way ... if you are still smiling ... but now you are smiling at yourself ... you might like the follow-up ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVEzdh4PMDI

If not, then I guess the joke really is on YOU!


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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p3t3
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 12:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)




quote:

ingot54 said : If not, then I guess the joke really is on YOU!


I guess the joke really is on me then.

I believe in rule of law. Rule by the mob has little appeal to me. Mobs are happy to hang people they don't like, without recourse to the justice system.

If you really prefer mob rule then Somalia or Afghanistan might appeal to you as good places to live.

just my view
p3t3


I haven't lost my mind,
I know it's here somewhere.....

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ingot54
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 01:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Keeping it light ...

I don't know how badly bent you have to be to enjoy this kind of stuff, but read on, and I hope you get a great laugh! I am definitely twisted!

Prankster David Thorne is behind McDonald's hoax (October 14th 2009).

and the main prank is here.
The McDonald's story is hidden in a link in the second-last email item ...

http://www.27bslash6.com/images/maccas.jpg

I won't bore anyone with other links to his blog - if you like it then you'll sus out the rest for yourself.

Enjoy.

(Message edited by ingot54 on August 23, 2011)


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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ingot54
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 01:10 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Some owners are just cruel!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw&feature=youtu.be


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 02:05 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hi Ingot...nice to see you down here!

Just one comment; maybe you should have fed the "Macca(joke)" to the poor dog and even he could have been happy! Seriously, did have a "chuckle" over the Dog video!

As for your first contribution today....just want to say...I'm all for Democracy(you know, where the majority is suppose to rule)and would love to live in one but have yet to find a (true)one...any suggestions?

See or hear from you soon down here we hope as we all need to see the "have a sense of humour" especially in present times.

Cheers
Dolphin

P.S. Will you and your "Gold" friends help me push DRM through $1.425c please and, if you are really generous, RED through 20.5c...don't often ask for special requests!


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ingot54
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 10:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)




gdd3 wrote on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 - 02:05 pm:

P.S. Will you and your "Gold" friends help me push DRM through $1.425c please and, if you are really generous, RED through 20.5c...don't often ask for special requests!



I'm speaking with my people now.

You will get your price, and you will get opportunity to be free-carried, if you haven't done so already. Greg was unavailable today, but on the weekend he reckoned they will actually be pouring gold earlier than planned. As you know mobile phone signal strength on site at Siana workings is sometimes poor, and I didn't hear everything clearly.

Of course this has not been released to the market yet, because other factors have to be considered.

Best I can do mate.

We have other considerations, unfortunately, and once QE3 is mooted by Ben this week, I expect RED particularly, to do well. They have dewatered the mine nicely, and have a nice cash flow (Mt Cattlin rent) and about $50 million in cash last I looked.

On track to pour their first gold in about 10 weeks. At a production cost of $360 +/- per oz, I am wondering why RED is still sitting at 19.0c given the resource.

Regarding DRM - I was only chatting to Brett this morning, and after I saw your post, I called him back. I didn't look, but he assured me you would get your $1.425.

He laughed actually. His exact words were: "Only? Mate - hold onto your hat. $1.425 will be seen as a steal shortly."

Anyway Dolphin, we are in the right thread to chat about this stuff - and I reckon you will have the last laugh mate.

Everything I recommend moves!

I am not rich!

(Message edited by Ingot54 on August 23, 2011)


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011 - 05:52 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE !!!


Just imagine...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 041Can

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

}}


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gdd3
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Friday, October 07, 2011 - 10:42 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Warning: Scam Against Older Men ! A lot of men would have been caught.




Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.



A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10 or any Home Hardware. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your vehicle as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for $20 and a ride to McDonald’s. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you half-naked , while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, July 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this coming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from all the Hardware Stores. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


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stampy
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Friday, October 14, 2011 - 04:32 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



And Englishman, a South African and a Irishman all go for beer in a bar at the international airport in Wellington...... hehehe.


Im sure this this will backfire on me on Sunday.. but for now its kinda funny.







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gdd3
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Friday, December 30, 2011 - 09:58 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



What sheep herders in Wales do when they're bored.

Clever men with a lot of sheep and a lot of time on their hands!
A lot of time, patience, and effort went into making this. (And no PETA)

> http://www.wimp.com/sheeplight/

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