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Joke of the Day... 2012

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gdd3
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Thursday, February 16, 2012 - 11:45 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Potatoes


Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.



They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*

*

*

*

*

*
... just a COMMONTATER!"



}


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kesil
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Wednesday, April 18, 2012 - 10:26 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."







“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”
Winston S. Churchill

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gdd3
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Thursday, June 07, 2012 - 03:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A friend of mine who has lived and worked in Port Headland sent me this today....





Dolphin


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whiteowl
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012 - 12:08 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Jokes on how to start a fight
A lighter view for the forum I hope

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


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gdd3
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Friday, June 15, 2012 - 01:14 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hi Owl...

Not bad but there are a number of 'relate' ones to that series of jokes.

Unrelated to this is the following...



Wish I could think that fast.





.



A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy had been looking out of the window.

He turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer.

She told her son to ask the flight attendant.


The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,

"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy,

"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"


The boy replied, "Yes, she did."


"Well", said the flight attendant,

"you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes,

because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."



Dolphin }}}


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ingot54
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Saturday, September 22, 2012 - 08:37 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A few smiles ...

TOP 100 PROTEST SIGNS

http://www.thevine.com.au/life/thoughts/30-best-protest-signs/gallery/0


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Tuesday, September 25, 2012 - 12:04 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Only a few, Ingot! Anyway, have you heard this one...It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

"At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."



The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."


Dolphin}


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espresso
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Tuesday, September 25, 2012 - 12:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



very good Dolphin, that's a great Joke.
and I would rather drink Coopers than a poisons diet Coke.
Cheers


Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
Socrates

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whiteowl
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Wednesday, September 26, 2012 - 12:23 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hey Ingot,
The great master Alfred Hitchcock used to slip his cameo appearances into his films.
So fess up !
In your "TOP 100 PROTEST SIGNS"
Is that "yours truly" in slide 34 ?
Cheers


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ingot54
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Wednesday, September 26, 2012 - 07:58 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



That was me brudder ... an' I'm gonna kill 'im.

The fambly suffers enuff.

An' I already tole him "NO MORE PROTESTS!"


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Friday, October 05, 2012 - 04:01 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.


Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you.






































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ingot54
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Friday, October 05, 2012 - 05:38 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Sad joke of the day ... an actual letter to the RBA:

******************

Dear Reserve Bank of Australia

Not everyone is happy about your surprise rates cut.

My retirement savings are now worth less and practically worthless as a means of providing for my reasonably short future now.

A few years ago we took the equity in our home and moved to 100% cash.

We took our super because we were old enough to do so, and put it in 100% cash.

As a means of providing for our retirement, this was the prudent thing to do. Today it is looking less prudent. Strange thing is, all we are talking about here is less than $x0,000.

Why are you penalising the small people who are struggling like this?

A rate cut of 0.25% will not mean much in the scheme of things, and in 2 weeks, the AUD will be right back where it was.

We have the USA, UK, China, Europe all demonising their own currencies to get rid of their debt. Would it not be more prudent to not acquire that debt in the first place?

Why is the RBA allowing the Treasurer of Australia to borrow over $100 million a day, when all it is doing is putting Australia on the same road as Spain. Doesn’t anyone see that nothing is working like it used to? Going into more debt does not get one out of debt, but the economists who put these nations in these positions seem to think it will.

It is people like us who will pay the price ultimately, with hyperinflation, making our savings useless, and anything we do today for our future, is futile.

GOLD is the only place left to put our savings, where you and the Australian Government can not take it from us – even by law you will not.

You will not be happy until we are all slaves.

As for us, we are going back to church.

Only God cares enough about us to comfort us in this miserable environment created by people like yourselves, who have little regard for the consequences you heap on us – unintended or not.

It was not us who got Australia into this mess, and it should not be us who carries the responsibility to get us out of it.

Your rates cut will not have the desired effects on the economy – but it certainly wipes out a big part of our retirement plan.

What are you going to do now – give us a pension and food stamps?
Put us in a retirement home, cared for by workers paid by the government?
Force us to live off social security when our savings have been taken by the banks and the government?
Force us to work until we are 75, and die in the job?

For this we do not thank you.

Darby and Joan

*******************
I wonder if Darby was serious - there might be a bit of truth the above - hard to say what's ahead - and yes, it's all surreal atm


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Friday, October 19, 2012 - 09:44 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Been around for many years(back in my school days) but I still think it is cool!






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ingot54
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Friday, October 19, 2012 - 10:59 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



I got 5! But I still feel as dumb as before!

In addition to the letter to the RBA above I note that on 5th October, the $AUD was 1.0240 prior to the rates cut.

It then closed the day at $AUD1.0187, looking like a win for the RBA.

Darby told the RBA:

"A rate cut of 0.25% will not mean much in the scheme of things, and in 2 weeks, the AUD will be right back where it was."

Today, 19th October, the $AUD is currently at 1.0375.

C'est drôle, n'est ce pas?"

Clearly, cutting interest rates DOES lower the currency ... not!


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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gdd3
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Friday, October 19, 2012 - 12:00 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hi Ingot...

I sent my above to our P.M.'G'...and have as yet to get a response. I'm guessing either she needs more than the average time to find/give an answer, is throwing it back and forward to our O.P.M.'A' in the typical parliamentary question time, or is too busy scratching her head about more important things...like, how could the 'brains' of the RBA be outwitted by a 'simpleton' named Darby whose only qualification is his common logic!

Vote Darby ONE!



P.S....P.M.G.(& RBA)...6 of the best(F's) is the correct answer!..all you need to do is OPEN BOTH YOUR EYES(for a change)and you'll see what the majority of ye citizen's have seen for a long time.

P.S.2..."6 of the best" in my youth usually meant "you got the message".


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espresso
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Saturday, October 20, 2012 - 03:41 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Ten Best Caddy Responses . ..

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
Socrates

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whiteowl
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Monday, October 22, 2012 - 10:19 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!


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espresso
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Monday, October 22, 2012 - 10:42 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.

She said “There's a tavern just up the road and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.

Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.


His wife looked him right in the eye and said, "Don't bull51ht me, you Bastard! You played 36 holes, didn't you?


Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
Socrates

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espresso
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Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 09:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



On January 9 a group of Boca, FL. bikers were riding South on I-95 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!



Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
Socrates

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gdd3
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Monday, December 31, 2012 - 07:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A joke to end the year off, or begin the New Year, with...an argument!


Subject: SAT-NAV



I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are


I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife


It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"


It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake


It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene


It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.


I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice


It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?


Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And keeps me warm in bed!



Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then

I could turn the bugger off.




Happy New Year everyone(especially my "Nat_Sav")

Dolphin}}







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ingot54
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Monday, December 31, 2012 - 08:37 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Happy New year Dolphin.

I think we will need out sense of humour in 2013 ... so keep those goodies coming mate!


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead

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