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Joke for the day

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 191
Registered: 05-2005

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Saturday, October 15, 2005 - 12:43 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Should children witness childbirth? ... What do you think?

With a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, & quote; "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."


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david_louisson
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Username: david_louisson

Post Number: 140
Registered: 02-2004

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Sunday, October 16, 2005 - 09:44 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



This is one of the best jokes that I've heard, that can be repeated safely in open forum:


A man is on trial for murder. The prosecution lawyer has just presented a very strong and convincing case, and the judge asks the defence lawyer to begin his client's defence.

The defendant's lawyer says that he has no witnesses to call, but that the man who was allegedly murdered will walk in, alive and well, through the back door of the courtroom within the next 60 seconds. Understandably, there is an immediate hush in the courtroom. After considerably longer than 60 seconds, nothing has happened, and the judge calls a halt.

The lawyers sum up. The defence lawyer tells the jury that "during the 60 seconds, I could not help but notice that all twelve of you, without exception, were gazing intently and unceasingly at the back door of the courtroom. I can therefore only conclude that you must have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder actually occurred, and given this reasonable doubt you have no choice other than to return a verdict of NOT GUILTY".

So the jury retires, and then returns with its verdict, which is GUILTY. The defence lawyer asks the jury foreman, off the record, how they could have possibly reached such a decision.

The foreman replies, "Well, we might have been staring intently at the door, but your client never gave it a glance".







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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 195
Registered: 05-2005

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Thursday, December 15, 2005 - 02:29 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Thought you might get a chuckle out of these, the madness of the Christmas season has gotten to me.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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histrionix
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Username: histrionix

Post Number: 84
Registered: 08-2005

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Wednesday, December 21, 2005 - 07:58 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Then of course there's the carefree, irresponsible young man whose father has dysentery who may be characterised as:

A slap happy chappy with a crap happy pappy!

Why is it that, with the advancing years, the near term memory - even for important matters - becomes distinctly unreliable while the most irrelevant dross remains indelibly etched?!?

H


There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.

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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1025
Registered: 05-2004

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Thursday, December 29, 2005 - 11:04 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



cartoon.002


Keep Smiling

Trading style :Short Term and CFD's predominantly

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 199
Registered: 05-2005

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Monday, January 30, 2006 - 03:30 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: Jamaican Fireman
________________________________

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"


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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 200
Registered: 05-2005

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Tuesday, January 31, 2006 - 11:56 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: Chinese Logic

---------------------------------------

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vely lare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!..... Wait two weeks.... Faw off by itself! ......You save money."


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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1084
Registered: 05-2004

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Wednesday, February 01, 2006 - 04:10 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Histrionix, with respect ...

Then of course there was the quick-witted Japanese with the punch-drunk father ...

A snappy Jappy with a slap-happy Pappy.


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 206
Registered: 05-2005

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 06:09 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: Sweet Old Lady

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."


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jimdene
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Username: jimdene

Post Number: 71
Registered: 07-2005

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 10:19 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



An oldie, but a goodie.
A man went to his Doctor complaining of Hemorrhoids, (I know how to spell it because I looked it up in the dictionary). The Doctor gave him some tablets and on his return visit, asked if they had been successful, to which the man replied. No, for all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my ****


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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1180
Registered: 05-2004

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006 - 09:39 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.

One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.

Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

- Woody Allen


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

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may
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Username: may

Post Number: 25
Registered: 04-2005

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Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 07:02 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update : After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.


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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1294
Registered: 05-2004

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Saturday, April 08, 2006 - 11:14 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Never let the truth stand in the way of a good yarn

(This was posted elsewhere by a friend of mine. I have simply copy/pasted.)

This is not from Bill Gates. It's an excerpt from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes. It is a list of eleven things you did not learn in school and directed at high school and college grads.

But it's worth a read anyway.

Whether you like Bill Gates or not...this is pretty
cool. Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out
at a high school speech about 11 things they did not
learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teaching has created a full
generation of kids with no concept of reality and how
this concept sets them up for failure in the real
world.

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.


RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 288
Registered: 04-2005

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Thursday, April 13, 2006 - 06:20 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Top 45 Oxymoron's:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works


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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1309
Registered: 05-2004

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Friday, April 14, 2006 - 10:51 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The current state of play - (apology for quality)

Dilbert


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly. Looking for ways to enter CFD trading over long term.

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visions
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Username: visions

Post Number: 14
Registered: 09-2005

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Monday, May 08, 2006 - 01:53 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)




A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

"Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."



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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 1365
Registered: 10-2002

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Saturday, May 20, 2006 - 12:20 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
perhaps I should not have started with the circumcision."


The secret to good trading: If you do something well - do it often. If you do something badly, don't do it too much. Know the difference !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 255
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Saturday, May 20, 2006 - 09:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Ha ha ha!

I don't know who to feel more sorry for, the rabbi or the bear?

That's a classic!


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visions
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Username: visions

Post Number: 16
Registered: 09-2005

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Saturday, May 20, 2006 - 11:08 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A few minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?", persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?", asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."


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buy_stop
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Username: buy_stop

Post Number: 285
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006 - 12:42 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.

"John Howard's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

.


WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

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ingot54
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Friday, June 02, 2006 - 09:25 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman.. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair.


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly long term.

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ingot54
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Username: ingot54

Post Number: 1540
Registered: 05-2004

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Friday, June 02, 2006 - 05:29 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer:: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer:: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer:: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer:: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer:: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer:: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer:: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer:: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer:: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


Keep Smiling

Trading style :CFD's predominantly long term.

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buy_stop
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Username: buy_stop

Post Number: 286
Registered: 05-2004

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 02:04 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie-leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock,will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The young man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally,he prints out a full-color, 150-page report!on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give him back to me?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man,"but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business.

Now give me back my DOG!

.


WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

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lazarus
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Username: lazarus

Post Number: 24
Registered: 11-2003

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006 - 06:26 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



YOU JUST CANT WIN. Thought this might put a smile on your face.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose
job it was to process all the mail that had illegible
addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read,

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had
$100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and
I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I
have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to
all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he
made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for w hat you did
for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to
fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very
nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it
must have been those thieving bastards at the
Post Office.

Edna


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buy_stop
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Username: buy_stop

Post Number: 287
Registered: 05-2004

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006 - 01:51 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Dole Joke....

A young man walked into the local Dole office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing dole. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The young man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter replies, "Yeah, well, you started it."

.


WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

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visions
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Username: visions

Post Number: 18
Registered: 09-2005

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Friday, June 16, 2006 - 10:45 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return a note to this to the woman.
It read: For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."


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lazarus
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Username: lazarus

Post Number: 25
Registered: 11-2003

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Friday, June 16, 2006 - 11:36 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



World Cup Joke. Oh How we love them.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England Soccer Supporters. They're asking for a
£10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and
set
them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"



.
.
.
.

"About a gallon"


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buy_stop
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Username: buy_stop

Post Number: 288
Registered: 05-2004

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 01:24 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

)


WARNING: PRICES SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

THE MARKET IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO MOVE. CHARGE WITH THE BULLS AND HUNT WITH THE BEARS.

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bowled_over
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Username: bowled_over

Post Number: 10
Registered: 08-2005

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Friday, June 23, 2006 - 08:57 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Just after the Normandy landing a wounded American soldier decided to catch the train from London to Edinburgh for some well needed rest. He had a first class ticket but no allocated seat and was knocked up and limping on a stick.He limped through all the carriages but could find no seat. He eventually found a seat occupied by a poodle and asked of the owner " Ma'am, please could I sit on that seat?" The frosty dowager looked him up and down and replied " Fifi has paid full fare and will be staying on her seat"
The soldier limped off and rechecked all the carriages. Still no seat so he returned to the dowager.
"Ma'am, I've been at the front for 3 weeks,I'm wounded and I haven't slept for 48 hours, please can I have that seat?"" Fifi has paid full fare and will be staying on her seat" was the reply. Again he limped through the carriages and still no seat. He turned again to the dowager."Ma'am,if I nurse Fifi,can I sit down?" "No," Fifi has paid full fare and will be staying on her seat" the dowager replied. With that the soldier exploded,picked up the dog,opened the window,threw out the dog and sat down.
A Yorkshire man opposite eyed the Yank and said" You Yanks,I don't understand you. You talk different,you drive on the wrong side of the road. And now you've just thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


salt is the answer to all.tears,sweat and the sea.

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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 478
Registered: 04-2005

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Sunday, July 02, 2006 - 07:52 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



By an amazing coincidence, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. However, due to a mix-up in the after-life administration department Bill Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was dispatched to Hell.

Upon arriving in Hell the Pope said to Satan "There must be some mistake. I shouldn't be here.". To which Satan replied "Well everybody says that, but seeing as you are the Pope you may have a point".

Revealing his caring and sensitive side, Satan duly contacted St Peter and they agreed that there had indeed been a mistake and that a swap should be made. During the course of the handover Bill Clinton and the Pope met briefly at a staging post.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries The Pope said to Clinton "You know, one of the main reasons that I wanted to go to Heaven was to meet the Virgin Mary". To which Clinton replied "You're a day too late!".


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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 1428
Registered: 10-2002

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Sunday, July 02, 2006 - 08:02 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



I apologise in advance should anyone feel this one is over the top.



A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.


After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice" So,the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK.


He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.


Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles..at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.




She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job Revenge.'"


...and another Bloody Mary, por favor !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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gohard
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Username: gohard

Post Number: 469
Registered: 05-2003

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Monday, July 03, 2006 - 07:19 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



All the blues supporters need to confirm the faith.
Go the mighty Maroons
http://images.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://projects.edtech.sandi.net/grant /insects/images/cockroachclustermap.GIF&imgrefurl=http://projects.edtech.sandi.n et/grant/insects/cockroach.htm&h=541&w=417&sz=9&hl=en&start=60&tbnid=mniqanMmj_7 PyM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dimage%2Bcockroach%26start%3D41%26ndsp% 3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26hs%3D7yy%26lr%3D%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg. mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN


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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 524
Registered: 04-2005

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Thursday, July 13, 2006 - 06:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



zzzz


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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 527
Registered: 04-2005

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Friday, July 14, 2006 - 03:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



As seen by the French
fff


As seen by the Italians
iii


As seen by the Americans
aaaa


As reported by the Press
pppp


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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 614
Registered: 04-2005

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006 - 12:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



This is not strictly a "joke" as such - but is amusing.

Warning: Strictly for high-speed broadband only. Dial-up folks should avoid.

http://blogs.theage.com.au/entertainment/archives/2006/08/last_laugh_the_4.html


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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 662
Registered: 04-2005

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Monday, August 28, 2006 - 04:18 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting
for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on
my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely
have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone
else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. So I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room. In it
was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
Nixon kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, I couldn't stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. Inside was Tony
Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill
Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over
his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to
go!"


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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 339
Registered: 05-2005

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 12:11 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



DEAR DAD



Hey Dad,

A funny thing happened when I got home last night.

You're going to love this, I can see you laughing and saying "You silly B*gger" Ha Ha Ha!

My foot accidentally slipped off the brake pedal and jammed down on the accelerator as I was coming up the drive.

I'm really sorry, but I know you will find forgiveness in your heart.

If you need me, I have spent the night outside the ARMY Recruiting office and I'll be home in about 4 years.

Your Son












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moleman
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Username: moleman

Post Number: 216
Registered: 10-2003

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 02:22 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.....!
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence....!!
"Well, stop f***ing doing it then??.!"


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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 780
Registered: 04-2005

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Thursday, November 16, 2006 - 01:24 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ................. and that's when the trouble started.




bonn


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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 1678
Registered: 10-2002

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Thursday, November 16, 2006 - 07:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get me slippers?"

"No bother," Murphy says, and he runs upstairs and there are

Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"


I don't have a plan so nothing can go wrong !!!

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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redrover
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Username: redrover

Post Number: 781
Registered: 04-2005

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Sunday, November 19, 2006 - 04:56 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Dogs are better than wives or girlfriends ............

Because the later you come home, the happier they are to see you!




vrf


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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 1735
Registered: 10-2002

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Friday, December 01, 2006 - 12:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)






I don't have a plan so nothing can go wrong !!!

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 406
Registered: 05-2005

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Friday, February 16, 2007 - 10:36 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



GIRLS NIGHT OUT


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives.. however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect
the worst.. my wife came home with no panties! Oh my God I'll kill the son of a bitch!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."


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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 539
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Friday, June 29, 2007 - 12:53 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Catholic Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mum looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.

She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


Hillsong : At the Cross
Hillsong : Mighty to Save

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strataminor
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Post Number: 93
Registered: 03-2007

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Friday, June 29, 2007 - 02:40 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



oh dear 007,,lol!! What are you up to today? as for me I am suffering a shocking cold, wasting time looking at 10 different stocks but not committed to any...


A Cruce Salus

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007
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Friday, June 29, 2007 - 04:09 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



G'day strataminor, sorry to hear you're not well. Must be the cold windy weather hey? Nothing a shot or two of southern comfort won't fix. Actually, its Friday isn't it? Make that 6 or more shots? (I didn’t forget this time!)

I'm not doing too much either, just looking through some of CC's posts for more of his method. So far I've got info on stops, 25% profit rule and that post the other night on compounding.

The Day Trader thread up in General isn't a bad read either. I was thinking if CC can hit 10 consecutive quarters in a row (that's four more quarters) for track records sake, the forum could get together and write a petition to the Melbourne Herald Sun for a challenge – The Day Trader vs. Captain Charles. Or, perchance just give the day trader’s column to CC (he and the forum would have to be willing to the undertaking of course). Reckon the paper would go for it?


Hillsong : At the Cross
Hillsong : Mighty to Save

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strataminor
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Post Number: 94
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Friday, June 29, 2007 - 04:32 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Hi again 007. I don't really drink, and with a young child and wife to keep me occupied, I guess I am cool. Felt like crap all day. You know, I should have switched off the computer, and slept, but I just sat like a zomby, watching stocks move around all day. I got into MPO at the end of the day just before close, but I am not sure if the medication affected my judgement. I am really keen for a good week next week, and I am doing some heavy searching! I will post over the weekend some of my 'better picks'.
Hmm Charles vs the World?? although his POL is not faring amazingly though! I am envious of his track record..wow,,


A Cruce Salus

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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 2020
Registered: 10-2002

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Monday, July 02, 2007 - 08:23 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the
opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first
aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine
what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable lowlife, and he
yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk."

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so
does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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redback
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Post Number: 35
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Monday, July 02, 2007 - 11:01 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added," Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least the woman knows I'm smarter than her.


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hershy
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Tuesday, July 03, 2007 - 08:24 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



An Israeli Tourist in London



An Israeli recently arrived at London's Heathrow airport. As he went through passport control, the customs officer asked him: "Occupation?"



The Israeli promptly replied: "No, just visiting!"


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 554
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Wednesday, July 04, 2007 - 01:31 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Ffff, Ffff, Ffff, and before he could say 'F*#@k!' the Rottweiler ate him!"


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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 558
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Thursday, July 05, 2007 - 07:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A few rip snorters to give you a liddle lift.












































































































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zorba
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Username: zorba

Post Number: 169
Registered: 12-2003

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Monday, July 16, 2007 - 06:08 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



----- Original Message -----
Subject: FW: POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her Mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300.00, she exclaimed: "but I don't have enough money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next Room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.
He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead... Take it out..." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well...go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said.......... "Hello, mom, can you hear me?"


As the Irishman said, 'Anyone who's not confused here doesn't really understand what's going on'.

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hershy
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Post Number: 2058
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Friday, July 20, 2007 - 08:53 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



One for the ladies:

http://glumbert.com/media/sizematter


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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maxboost
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Post Number: 163
Registered: 12-2005

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Friday, July 20, 2007 - 10:02 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Whats the difference between an All Black and a tea bag....


...A tea bag stays in the cup longer.


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thommo78
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Post Number: 188
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Monday, July 30, 2007 - 10:45 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked".

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.


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gohard
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Post Number: 657
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Monday, September 03, 2007 - 04:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



What's wrong with having a good laugh?????

Race Horses

Bubba was from Alabama and was, a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."


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qed
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Post Number: 72
Registered: 01-2006

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Monday, September 03, 2007 - 08:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



SO THATS WHO STARTED the equine flu scare LOL


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007
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Username: 007

Post Number: 575
Registered: 05-2005

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Friday, September 14, 2007 - 05:30 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



An economist's logic

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.

Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'

'Yes', answered the others eagerly.

'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'


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philr
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Post Number: 245
Registered: 04-2004

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Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 01:10 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Council Tax Re-evaluers

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house at the end of our street.
The extended family who live there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.
A shopkeeper blamed him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control.
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle


Phil

** Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.
Warren Buffett

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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 2090
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Friday, September 21, 2007 - 06:48 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Tips for investing those big bucks this year:

Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Have a great week-end!

M x

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ..

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Saturday, October 13, 2007 - 05:08 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane...

I said no, but I knew a guy in my Trading Forum who sails a boat and seems pretty bitter !!


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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rockon
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Post Number: 218
Registered: 08-2003

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Sunday, October 14, 2007 - 06:48 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



image


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thommo78
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - 08:41 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went"


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hershy
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Post Number: 2131
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Sunday, November 04, 2007 - 09:43 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



While on his morning walk, Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies, because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see Labour people around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says Kevin.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Rudd
"I'm sorry ...but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is poor old Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Labour and union leaders, who had helped him out over the years --- Jim Cairns Bob Hawke, Bill Collins Bill D'Arcy , Paul Keating, Joan Kirner, Peter Beattie, Keith Wright, Gordon Nuttall , Wayne Goss, all good clean living Labour people. All of the Labour Party leaders and Union Officials were there .......everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, "Have a Tequila and relax, Kevin!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Rudd dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he Thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes, like himself, and pulls hilarious
nasty pranks - kind of like the ones Labour pulled with the "Recession we had to have" " no child will live in poverty" " Wolfdene Dam " "no new taxes and low interest rates below 19% " and promises such as that that were never carried out .They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Kim Beazley never prepared me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ...then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this --I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all-but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren Scorched earth covered with garbage & toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags......They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder....."I don't understand," stammers a shocked Kevin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila....We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,......
"Yesterday, Kevin, we were campaigning;... Today you voted for us!"


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Username: hershy

Post Number: 2150
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Saturday, November 24, 2007 - 05:21 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Ben's stash found !!!!




"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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ingot54
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Post Number: 2056
Registered: 05-2004

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Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 11:43 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath

6. Open the following web address:

http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf

Note: I viewed this from an iMac computer.

I can not say the site is virus-free or adware free - cover yourself with appropriate software if you are using a PC.

It was posted on a large public forum, so it is doubtful that it is malicious.


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Loss and failure are inevitable but misery is optional


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cat_lady
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Thursday, December 06, 2007 - 01:48 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



NOw that is seriously WICKED.

cat lady


Without my morning coffee I might as well be a dog

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hershy
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Monday, December 17, 2007 - 05:55 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Friday, January 11, 2008 - 06:21 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared
and announced to the villagers that
he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and
they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased
to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see
a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 !

However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that
the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35
and when the man returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings
and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant,
only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding
of how the stock market works.


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Sunday, January 13, 2008 - 06:41 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



What could this guy do with the stock market ?
http://www.youmaker.com/video/sv?id=51485816d3124842bc22d463af60dc51001&f=fs


"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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philr
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Username: philr

Post Number: 336
Registered: 04-2004

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Sunday, January 13, 2008 - 08:08 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



recall


Phil

** Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.
Warren Buffett

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eblode
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Monday, January 14, 2008 - 04:25 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



These two pals were talking when one said to the other. "If I shag your wife and she becomes pregnant are we related?" After thinking about it for awhile his friend said " no.......but we'll be even".

Eugenio


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hershy
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Sunday, January 27, 2008 - 08:45 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
"I'll give you $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his trousers down".
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "The bastard used coins!"

Lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it.
Or else you may end up getting seriously screwed!


"The universe is conspiring to make you succeed. Don't stand in it's way!"

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Friday, February 15, 2008 - 08:07 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



I may not be trading as much as I used to but I still tell jokes.
Hehe.........


A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.



Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.



He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!'



The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.



As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.



All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.



A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.



He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.



Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.



His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.



The trainer was astounded.



When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'



The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.



I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'



So, the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'



'Not really.



You'd be amazed the reaction you get when you bite your own nuts!


"The universe is conspiring to make you succeed. Don't stand in it's way!"

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Thursday, February 21, 2008 - 06:45 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds ... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."


"The universe is conspiring to make you succeed. Don't stand in it's way!"

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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tryhay
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Post Number: 939
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Saturday, February 23, 2008 - 05:58 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



watch for a falling market or a satellite.... No Doubt about them yanks.

Bloomberg this-morning looks like the metaphorical funny IMO

http://www.bloomberg.com/markets/stocks/wei.html

Thanks to the BBQ

Market action

I appreciate the occaisional funny hershy


Happy trading DYOR

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007
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Monday, February 25, 2008 - 09:12 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Subject: Lawyers




Body: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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ingot54
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Post Number: 2124
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Sunday, June 08, 2008 - 09:06 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Have just dried my eyes after reading this one ... now it's your turn!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .... . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs; I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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ingot54
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Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 08:12 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



AWESOME ANAGRAMS

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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mum
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Friday, July 04, 2008 - 12:20 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That
would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just
pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.


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cat_lady
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Username: cat_lady

Post Number: 473
Registered: 10-2006

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Friday, July 11, 2008 - 05:56 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in Australia) and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah some drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is
> the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed'. Health & Safety have condemned your design and the proposed construction procedure. Then I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The Rudd Government has beat me to it.'


Without my morning coffee I might as well be a dog

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tryhay
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Sunday, July 20, 2008 - 05:45 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Bird & Fortune rated a mention on the popular culture (on the ABC I think) recently and these two Youtubes should tickle a funny bone:
They yack on about investment instruments like:

"High grade structured credit strategys fund" ~

"High grade structured credit ehanced leveraged fund" -

Sounds trustworthy with the various words used? - ppl not incredibly stupid untill they asked what the houses were worth & now the government will replace the money lost or there will be another market crash.... Would be helarious but it is true...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXBcmqwTV9s&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzJmTCYmo9g&feature=related


Happy trading DYOR

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hailoh
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Monday, July 21, 2008 - 05:27 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A Department of Water representative stops at a farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation'. The old farmer says, 'OK, but don't go in that field over
there'.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his business.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's prize bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and shouts at the top of his lungs.....

'YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!'


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007
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Wednesday, July 23, 2008 - 07:22 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied
a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the
remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'


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philr
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Friday, August 01, 2008 - 10:37 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist who was a large un-friendly woman and who looked like a sumo wrestler said:

'Yes, I have your name here; you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor who did yours.'


Phil

** Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.
Warren Buffett

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hershy
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008 - 06:40 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Michael Phelps at an early age.




I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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tryhay
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Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 09:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



This youtube is something like most of our experience (some more than others) ~ about visiting our bank to get some investment advice after the horse has bolted .....

<http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qvwbnn_sysw>


Happy trading DYOR


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hailoh
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Friday, October 31, 2008 - 07:00 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, b ut good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed.. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together . Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.


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ingot54
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Saturday, November 01, 2008 - 12:37 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



One of the funniest YouTubers I have seen (this week!)

Go here: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go for fun!


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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tryhay
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Sunday, November 09, 2008 - 09:24 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Anyone noticed a crook neck lately? Looks pretty familiar round current world markets ..

sore neck?



Perhaps it is a great time to invest in the Reliable Dividend Growth Fund ~ or Maybe not.....?

Better make sure you check it out completely ~ this video shows you how ...
<http://emerginggrowthstocks.blogspot.com/2008/10/alex-baldwin-snl-video-its-great-time.html>


Happy trading DYOR


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ohkoolnutz
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Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 10:56 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Real Estate Downfall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNmcf4Y3lGM


---
ohk

Lies, Damn Lies and Technical Analysis

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ingot54
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Sunday, November 16, 2008 - 03:23 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the Company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment. '

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too badly either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
his three boyfriends.'


Keep Smiling - Don't look back

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something ~ Thomas A. Edison

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have ~ Margaret Mead


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redback
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008 - 05:24 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swing and then turns to the little guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

Come on man I was just giving you a hard time, 'the biker says. "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life, 'says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right, I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me."

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Then found my wife in bed with the Gardner and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life and then you show up and drank the damn poison.


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hershy
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Saturday, December 20, 2008 - 01:27 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



.



I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Wednesday, January 21, 2009 - 08:08 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Vocabulary Word for the Day

LIQUIDITY: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.


I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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007
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Thursday, January 22, 2009 - 04:20 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Fruit Loops


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began
to say:


'Red............cherry,'

'Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..............lime,

'Orange ........orange.'


Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the honey taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!


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007
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Friday, January 23, 2009 - 03:28 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,

and that's when you remember - you've been listening to your ipod.



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philr
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Saturday, January 24, 2009 - 08:38 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



tw


Phil

** Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.
Warren Buffett

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007
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Monday, February 02, 2009 - 06:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'


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morton
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Saturday, February 07, 2009 - 04:34 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The Cattle Dog


Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
Some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.


A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog?s tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'


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beenjammin
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Saturday, February 21, 2009 - 02:15 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force -
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


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hershy
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009 - 07:37 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Siamese twins walk into a pub in Perth and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please"

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday recently, boys?"

"Off to America next month," says Joe.

"We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, America, "says the barman." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe.

"Meat Pies & XXXX beer," that's us, eh Jim?

"We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."


I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hailoh
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Thursday, March 05, 2009 - 05:37 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



The banking crisis explained:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.


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gdd3
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Friday, March 20, 2009 - 10:54 am:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



If the global crisis continues at the present greed fuelled rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know that when these two banks merge it would still be full of bloody wankers...

BOOM! BOOM!


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rastus81
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Sunday, March 22, 2009 - 09:21 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)






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gdd3
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009 - 09:33 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Tried to access the I.C. Support Topic via its new Incredible Support Tracking System but had problems with the standard "Support Request" process so thought I would just place it under this title....

INSTALLING A HUSBAND (notes)

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

Dolphin


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rastus81
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Not for the people who do actual work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Gzq-QEt0s


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beenjammin
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Courtesy Max Ansbacher, “The New Options Market”.
Oldie but theres truth in it....

A first time trader was approached by a broker with a hot tip. “This stock is a surefire winner” the broker enthused. “You must buy some now!”
The client said “Ok, put 10% of my account on it”.
Next week the broker called again, advising his client the stock had indeed risen and he should buy more. “Great” said the excited client, “put twice as much on as last time”
The broker rang the following week with news that just as promised, the stock had risen again and a further investment was warranted. The happy client agreed, doubling his investment once again.

The fourth week the broker called as usual. “Fantastic news. The stock rose again last week. Time to buy another load!”
The client considered the brokers advice for while and said “You know, this stock has risen a lot, and I think its time to take profits. I've decided I want to sell.”

“Sell?” said the broker. “To who?”


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hershy
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Thursday, April 09, 2009 - 06:37 pm:Copy highlighted text to 'New Message' boxEdit Post Delete Post Print Post    View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



.


I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Swine flu:



I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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Nicotine patches

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'


I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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hershy
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I seem to be only one posting jokes, I hope I am not the only one reading them.







I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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cat_lady
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nope
I read them!
laugh as well!
cat lady


Without my morning coffee I might as well be a dog

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rastus81
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The jokes here are good Hershy thanks.


One for the bikers among us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukAhlxl4hmM


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gdd3
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Hershy...keep "punching" them out as I also like to occasionally dropping in on the "BACK-PAGE" when I required a break from the "jokes" being provided, at times, on the ASX.

May have heard this one or a similar version of it but still appropriate at the present time!


CREDIT CRUNCH SOLVED?

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for he, hourly room use to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs. There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.}


Truly a stimulus package
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS


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justice
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmKWJMENMxE


John Forster and Tom Chapin make a scary movie, financed with a subprime loan.

Lyric:
I got my money in a zombie bank, a zombie bank, a zombie bank.
I got my money in a zombie bank.
They're dead but they just don't know it.

I check my balance and there's money there.
And yet Paul Krugman says the cupboard's bare.
And all the teller have a zombie stare.
They're dead but they just don't know it.

My money's in a bank that doesn't lend, doesn't spend,
It's all pretend.
They flunk the stress test.. They've reached the end.
They're dead by they just don't know it.

They're too big to fail.
They're too big for jail.
They're sucking money on a breathtaking scale.

Do the math.
Do the monster math.
Zombie bank, zombie bank.
I've got my money in a zombie bank.
They're dead but they just don't know it.

©2009 Limousine Music Co and The Last Music Co (ASCAP)
Category: Comedy
Tags:
John Forster Tom Chapin banking crisis Citigroup Citibank Paul Krugman Bank of America HSBC Wells Fargo Washington Mutual Wachovia SunTrust Too Big To Fail satire musical comedy op-ed


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hershy
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Isn't that why she WAS in the room in the first place ?


I do it doji style !

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~hershy/

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gdd3
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For you Hershy, fellow contributor....

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh,' said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's,' replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told
only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.


P.S. I have two clocks(fans) upstairs in my loft...trading room!}


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gdd3
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Hey Hershy...here is one for you!

INDIAN GOES TO AN AUSSIE GROCERY STORE

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks up a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious and thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and
will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian
to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.
The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy
the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks up a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious again thinking that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog thus gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian goes again to Woolworths but this time with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels something very slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian....} "What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”

BOOM BOOM!







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shadetreetrader
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On my weather page this morning "Canberra's run of cold still running
20:01 EST
Canberra has chilled below freezing every morning this month, and a few days have been quite cold as well."


My posts should not be taken as stock recommendations or advice.

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